Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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