I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
