Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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