i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
