So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
