I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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