it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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