I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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