my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
