i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
