Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
