I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
