What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
