I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
