Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
