My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
