dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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