She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
