well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
