You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
