Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
