I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
