What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You're a waste of cheezeits
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
last night I used snow as a chaser
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
