My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
