Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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