I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
