12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
