Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just high enough for therapy.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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