and you said cock pushups were impossible
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
