Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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