1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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