I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
you had me at cake vodka
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
