My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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