Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Randomize
