Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
