Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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