bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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