Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Randomize
