My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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