Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
