You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
