the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
