I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
