Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
