So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
