wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
