Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
