totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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