my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
