Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We got so high we made milksteak
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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