He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
