loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
