You can't special order awesome
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
